


my wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to. your dreams stay big, your worries stay small

by calthighway



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Dreams and Nightmares, Guardian angel callum, Happy Ending, M/M, alternative universe, potty mouth ben
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2020-05-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:48:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23947216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calthighway/pseuds/calthighway
Summary: Wings drop slightly, eyes roll a little. “I’m Callum. Your guardian angel.”“My -,” Ben can’t help but laugh, a wild sound that makes Callum look on wary. “This ain’t real.”“It’s real,” Callum promises, sitting down on Ben’s bed. “I’m real.”
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 16
Kudos: 65





	my wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to. your dreams stay big, your worries stay small

Ben doesn’t remember the last time he had a dream, he remembers the _nightmares_ that would wake him up teary and with a cold sweats that meant him being unable to sleep at all.

Then as he grew older, and he made a life of his own, the nightmares decreased even if he still had the suffering memories of his childhood. He could live with that, sleep becoming his one source for peace.

Ben _dreams_ all the time now. Dreams about a life he wouldn’t fit – a family of his own, a boyfriend he could come home to after work. A life he thought he didn’t deserve growing up.

His dreams feel _good_ and _soft_ and he feels protected. He feels he’s been watched over.

When he wakes, he finds himself searching for more, wishing he could go back.

*

Ben doesn’t believe in afterlife, even though he’s been told plenty of times he’ll end up in hell.

It isn’t real.

His dreams happen every night now. There’s a prominent feeling of love and care in all of them. Only now, when Ben wakes up, he doesn’t feel so alone. He feels _something there_ with him that’s almost permanent and when it goes, Ben’s life goes back to feeling dark and cold.

Ben’s apartment is small, but it still feels too big for him sometimes – annoys him he hasn’t got anyone to show it off to, his one night stands set with their eyes on him only, and that’s pleasing, but the emptiness never goes.

His couch is too big for just him, his fridge and kitchen cupboards are full of too much food for one man.

Ben knows the smells of his home, the smell of slightly burnt toast in the morning, of the shower gel he uses. What he doesn’t know, are the sweet smells that fill his nostrils when he’s been out and he comes back.

Everything’s the same visually, but it doesn’t feel it.

The smells are of home foods, scents of warm vanilla candles that he doesn’t even own and hints of aftershave that also don’t belong to him.

The sweet smells grow and linger over weeks, become impossible to ignore and they make Ben smile to himself, although he’s not sure what’s happening and if his smiles go unnoticed to whatever’s going on around him.

*

Ben’s had a bad day. A day full of idiots who don’t know how lucky they are not to have Ben’s fist in their face.

It’s late and tonight more than ever, he can’t wait to get into bed and _dream._

The street lights glow yellow above and bring attention to the white feather near the entrance of his apartment. He picks it up, runs it along his hand and is surprised how warm it feels.

Once inside, he keeps the feather in his hand as he changes for bed.

He places the feather on the pillow next to him, the coldness of the side he doesn’t sleep on sends a shiver down his spine until the fight to stay awake anymore fails and he goes to sleep.

He sleeps easily, a pleasant surprise after the night he’s had.

*

He’s not ill, he _never_ gets ill. He used to pretend when he didn’t want to go to school, or go somewhere with his dad.

There’s an unexplainable change in temperature. It’s warm, _too_ warm, but it’s not unpleasant. It’s a warmth that surrounds him like a hug. It feels a lot like comfort, one he appreciates in the middle of winter.

That’s why he knows he hasn’t come down with a fever. He settles in it and let’s the warmth ease the weight off his shoulders.

*

He wouldn’t be surprised if he was going crazy, but the place is quiet and he _can_ definitely hear something. Muffled sounds that sound a lot like _talking._

He turns his attention to his bedroom, stands with his ear against the door and his hand on the handle ready to go in.

He thinks about going in harmed, eyes up the knife block until he feels the door opening for him and he doesn’t have chance to do anything else.

He stands still for _ages_ , because what is happening? Who is in his house? What does he do?

He tries to stand taller, lifts his head up as he pushes the door open fully – tries to prepare himself for whatever’s about to happen to him.

Ben must be in a dream, because what he’s witnessing isn’t real. It’s impossible.

There’s wings, slightly tinged with silver, wings on the back of a man with a bright smile and crinkled, blue eyes.

“Hi Ben,” he finally says, turning to face him. It sounds quiet and almost not there, but Ben sees him clearly and he is _there._

“What the fu-“

“Please,” hands lift slightly to interrupt, “Don’t curse.”

“Don’t tell me what to do,” Ben scoffs. “You’re in _my_ house. What the _fuck_ is going on? Who- _what_ are you?”

Wings drop slightly, eyes roll a little. “I’m Callum. Your guardian angel.”

“My -,” Ben can’t help but laugh, a wild sound that makes Callum look on wary. “This ain’t real.”

“It’s real,” Callum promises, sitting down on Ben’s bed. “ _I’m_ real.”

“I’m dreaming. I must be,” Ben still hasn’t moved, but he also hasn’t stopped staring and taking in how beautiful Callum clearly is.

Callum just shakes his head. “Not dreaming, although for such an apparent hard man your dreams are always pretty sweet.”

Ben just bites back any snide remark he feels like saying back, because the blue eyes staring back at him make him know he’s already lost.

Callum blinks up at him, and all Ben can hear is the clock on the wall and his heart beating. Ben frowns a little, scratching his cheek. “Ya – can I touch ya?”

He needs to, because _seeing_ Callum just isn’t enough to make him believe that any of this is real.

Callum stands, making Ben look up at him and he just offers himself silently. He looks at Ben encouragingly as if he understands why he needs this and that it’s alright to be confused and scared.

Ben finally moves and he’s in front of Callum, his breathing shaky and it’s annoying because he’s never like this.

_But how often do you come across a guardian angel?_

He decides to give himself a bit of credit, counting to three in his head before taking a deep breath.

“Alright?” Callum asks, and it’s soft to Ben’s ears.

Ben nods, but it feels like a lie and Callum can clearly see through it, because he just raises his eyes at him.

Ben’s breathing gains control and he chooses to focus on Callum’s shoulders and then at the wings that flutter behind his back and head.

“Where can I touch?” Ben bites his bottom lip, amazed by it all.

“Anywhere,” Callum smiles, and then, “within reason, obviously.”

Callum laughs a little, making his wings glow a stronger shade of silver and Ben finds himself laughing back, still in shock.

He should be able to joke back, _flirt_ his way through this, but all that fails him. His eyes don’t though, they travel down the length of his body.

Tries not to linger on some parts more than others, but Ben notices his soft tummy and he appreciates it, smiling a little until his eyes are lower and Callum’s clearing his throat until Ben drags his eyes away.

“Sorry,” Ben feels his skin heat up. “Just you’re - you’re ya know.”

Callum shakes his head, “what?”

“Sexy,” Ben closes his eyes once he’s said it because he knows it’s ridiculous to be even thinking it.

When Ben opens his eyes again, Callum seems to mumble something back, Ben can’t make it out properly, but it makes him feel less nervous.

He lifts his arm up until his fingers reach his cheek, and _god_ , he’s real. Ben’s mouth turns dry and he feels like scrunching his eyes closed, turning everything dark until Callum’s disappeared again because Ben doesn’t know what to do with all this.

His fingers travel down his cheek, to his neck, and then to his collarbone. He runs his finger tips along the bone there and he can’t seem to stop.

His hand falls flat against Callum’s chest, and Ben’s not sure what he expected, but it’s so soft and Ben feels his fingers curl until there’s flesh i his hand and Callum’s stepping back and rubbing his hand over the skin there. “Alright, no need to pinch.”

Callum’s laughing again, but Ben can’t laugh back. All he wants to do is keep on touching until all of Callum has been under his hands.

“Do ya believe I’m real now?”

“I think so,” Ben takes the time to sit down, holds on to the edge of the bed; blanket crunched up in his hands. “Why? Why are you, ya know?”

“Dead? Your guardian angel?” Callum begins to pace in front of him, his movements slow and Ben focuses on his feet, his footprints leaving imprints in the carpet.

“Yeah,” Ben answers, unsteady and confused again because he hadn’t even _realised_ Callum was indeed from heaven, therefore, he wasn’t in this life and it makes Ben cling tighter.

“I was a soldier,” Callum begins to explain. “Was one of the unlucky ones who didn’t make it home, but I died in the line of duty – died doing what I loved,” Callum smiles sweetly, and Ben’s not sure if he’s supposed to see emotion, but Callum’s eyes look sad and Ben knows Callum didn’t want to die the way he did (who would?), didn’t _deserve_ not to make it home and back to his family and friends.

“I’m sorry,” Ben shakes his head. “You’re so young, ya had your whole life ahead of ya,” Ben hates himself for times he’d wanted to end his own life years ago when he was in turmoil over his sexuality and he didn’t see much to life anymore.

“Stop that,” Callum’s voice makes him look up, “stop thinking like that.”

“Ya can read my mind?” Ben huffs, an incredulous laugh leaving his lips. “I’m sorry ya have to deal with that.”

Callum smiles, licking his lips. “Most of your thoughts are rating men out of ten, and what you’re going to have to eat,” then he looks out the window, “and who ya want to kill if it meant getting away with it.”

“People are annoying, alright?” Ben shrugs, “that ain’t my problem.”

Callum huffs a laugh, “you’re unbelievable.”

 _You are unbelievable,_ Ben tries to not to think, but maybe it’s no use because Callum turns to smile down at him as if he’s already reading his mind.

“So why are you my guardian angel?” Ben folds his legs under him.

“Because ya need me,” Callum states. “Ya need looking over, you need to know you’ve got me when everything else feels so _empty_.”

Ben looks ready to deny the idea, _he doesn’t need anybody_. He’s fine on his own, but then he thinks of his dreams, thinks about feeling nothing but lonely growing up and learning to stand on his own two feet.

“Sorry ya gotta put up with me, they could have given you someone… nice.”

Callum smiles, “you ain’t all that bad. I’m sure there’s worse out there than you.”

“Compliment of the century that,” Ben smirks, easing with every second that goes by. “Are you here for the night?” Ben asks, tiredness seeping into his bones.

Callum shakes his head, “I go once you’re sleeping. I’m glad you’re sleeping better these days, Ben.”

Ben smiles, because it is. He welcomes sleep now, not like before when there was high possibility of nightmares and broken thoughts – ones he shouldn’t even have known at that age.

“Ya deserve peace,” Callum concludes.

Ben watches Callum’s features, sees the scare just above his eyebrow and the one near his lip. “Did you know peace?”

Because Ben has a feeling he didn’t. How can you find peace when you fight war and die young? Nothing about that screams peace.

Callum doesn’t answer, just looks down to the floor with an awkward smile on his face like he’s been read easily, even though that’s not Ben’s job to do so. “Ya should get some sleep,” Callum looks up again after a long silence. “There’ll be wondering where I am,” Callum looks up at the sky out the window and Ben’s eyes follow.

Grey clouds glum in a starry, dark sky and there’s a storm coming, but with Callum here it feels like the suns out to stay. “Alright, will I see ya again?”

“You’ve been seeing me a lot longer than ya realise,” and just like that, he’s gone, a single white feather falling to his feet.

*

Ben sees him now, _feels_ him around and he understands now. The smells, the feeling of not being alone, the change in temperatures.

Callum’s there late in the night when Ben’s had another bad day in work that leaves him wondering what he’s still doing running a club full of customers that are mostly irritable.

“Breathe,” a warm breath spreads across the back of his ear and neck.

Ben groans when Callum’s there, his silhouette is white and it takes a while for Ben to focus on him properly, his skin hazy today.

“I’m sick of the same shit,” Ben confides, “I cant do it anymore.”

“You can,” Callum comes closer. “ _You can_ ,” Callum breathes. “You’re a good businessman, Ben. One of the best in East London. Nobody does what you do.”

“Anyone can manage a nightclub,” Ben leans in closer, almost touching. “You’re just being nice to me because ya have to be.”

Callum laughs, Ben’s eyes on the slight shake of his body. “What about if I told ya to stop with the self pitying?”

Ben lifts his head, breathes in the musky scent Callum brings with him, “don’t think that’d be very angel of ya.”

“Just don’t give up, yeah? Remember I see everything and you’re doing _great._ ”

Ben’s tired, it’s all he can do to explain the fact he lets his head drop down onto Callum’s chest with his eyes closed.

The last thing he remembers is Callum’s hands in his hair, fingers running delicately though it.

He wakes to another single feather on his bed.

*

Months pass and somehow along that time Ben starts seeing someone.

It’s only casual and Ben’s not about to put a label on it, but it seems his guardian angel has got other ideas.

“You’ve _finally_ got a boyfriend then.”

“He ain’t a boyfriend,” Ben points at him. “It’s just a bit of fun.” 

Callum nods once, his teeth scraping across his bottom lip. “That’s why he’s the only guy you’ve slept with in months, is it? The one who stays over and cooks for ya, cleans-“

“ _Jesus_ ,” Ben drops the spoon that he’s using to stir the boiling pasta. “Why ya so desperate for it to be more than it is?”

“I’m not,” he’s _really_ not. He clears his throat and hates the niggling feeling in his spine, his wings tight at his back. He’d grown to be used to them, but right now he feels like he’s gone back years to when he first grew them – he wants to pull them off and burn them. “I’ll leave ya to it, he’ll be here soon, right?”

Ben nods, face turning to concern when he sees the darkness cloud over Callum, but he can’t ask what’s wrong, Callum disappearing quickly, and this time, there’s no feather left behind.

*

Ben _still_ refuses to put a label on what’s happening with Jack, but others have made comments now.

Even Jack is saying things that could allude to a relationship, but Ben’s worried his heart isn’t in it.

And he thinks it’s because ever since Jack, he hasn’t seen Callum. There’s been no sign of him, there’s nothing like there was before. He doesn’t feel him, he doesn’t come home to sweet smells, he doesn’t sleep as easily as he had been.

He should be angry, because surely he can’t just _go_ like that? Not when Ben still needs him, when he made such an impact on his life so quickly.

Jack snores in bed whilst Ben finds himself on the bathroom floor, light out. “Callum? Callum, _please_. Are ya there?”

Ben’s chest tightens when nothing happens.

*

Ben gets into a fight on purpose. Winds up some homophobe on a night out with Jack and laughs in the idiots face.

Jacks gets angry at Ben, because _why would ya provoke them?_ Storms off in a mood, and Ben rolls his eyes at the dramatics.

Ben feels it then, when he gets home alone. The apartments warm again after weeks of nothing. Ben rushes to turn the lights on, exhaling a breath when Callum’s standing near the window, his wings moving slightly from the breeze of outside and Ben’s entrance.

“Callum?” Ben’s unbelieving again, Callum hasn’t been here for so long, what if Ben’s just wishing him back into existence again?

“Why’d ya get into a fight?” Callum asks, not turning around.

Ben frowns, “cause the guy was a fucking prick-“

“Ben,” Callum sighs. “You’ve got all you’ve wanted and ya go and ruin things for yourself. Why?”

“Oh yeah, cause I call someone hurling abuse at me ‘all I’ve wanted.’” Ben brings himself closer, “why didn’t ya stop it if ya saw I was in trouble?”

Callum’s head falls, his shoulders joining. “Cause ya don’t need me anymore.”

Ben feels the ground shake beneath his feet, a panic rise inside of him that makes him laugh dangerously close to tears. “That’s not true,” Ben argues. “ _You_ know it’s not true.” His jaw tightens when he says, “I just got myself into a fight I could have avoided if I’d just walked away. That’s not normal, Callum.”

“Ya can still make mistakes, don’t mean ya need me.”

Ben’s nostrils flare, “ya can’t just give up on me after all you’ve seen me go through. After helping me get here. I won’t let ya.”

Callum laughs, but it’s rippled with sadness. “Ya don’t get to decide that.”

“Well, I think I should because your choices are clearly wrong,” Ben snipes back slyly, breathing becoming unsteady and tight. “Nothing feels the same without ya.”

Callum closes his eyes, not sure what to say back. Then he’s feeling Ben’s fingers down his spine and along the edges of his wings, making him shiver.

“Ben-“

Ben’s lips are gentle on his back, setting his soul alight. He presses firm kisses along his shoulders, his hands either side of Callum’s waist. Callum’s wings helplessly lift and flap back and forth.

When Callum turns around, his eyes are hooded with darkness under them, the veins in his neck clear and Ben’s hands dig into Callum’s waist some more. “What’s wrong?”

“Our time is up,” Callum whispers.

Ben shakes his head, a fountain of emotions running through. “No. No it ain’t.”

Callum’s hand comes to rest on Ben’s face, his thumb pressing against Ben’s lips. “I have to let ya go now. Move on.”

Ben clings onto Callum’s wrist, holding him in place. “Bullshit,” Ben curses, making Callum roll his eyes in disapproval, but a little smile appears and Ben starts to breathe normally again. “You’re sad,” Ben realises.

Callum doesn’t dispute it, eyes fluttering away from Ben’s gaze. “Don’t worry about me,” Callum tells him.

“Kind of too late,” Ben sighs, pressing their bellies together. “Wanna kiss you,” Ben frowns, confused about many things but not this.

“I know,” Callum licks his lips, “but ya shouldn’t.”

“Always doing things I shouldn’t,” Ben mummers. “Half the reason you’re _my_ guardian angel. Always will be,” Ben smiles smugly.

“Phone Jack, sort things out,” Callum steps away, breaking contact. “Do the right thing, yeah?”

Callum looks pained before he goes and Ben trashes his flat until there’s nothing left to throw or break.

Jack phones to apologise in the morning, Ben doesn’t apologise back.

*

It’s 5am and Ben hasn’t slept. He sits up in bed, the blinds open as he watches the sky turn lighter into a new day.

“Is this what ya wanted?” Ben asks, “for me not to be able to sleep anymore, eh?”

Ben runs his hands across his face, feels the dip in the bed before he’s moved his hands away.

Callum.

“No,” he gets up to close the blinds before laying down next to Ben face to face. “Please try and get some sleep now.”

“Only if ya promise to stay.”

“I promise,” Callum whispers, his knuckles gentle against Ben’s face as strokes there gently.

Ben goes to sleep easily, his hand clinging onto Callum’s arm.

*

Ben ends things with Jack. Apologies when Jack said he knew it was coming, asked why, asked what he’d done wrong and all Ben could do was keep saying sorry because he wouldn’t believe the truth even if he’d dare to tell him.

Callum knows before Ben tells him. “He was a good guy, I’m sorry.”

“Ain’t interested in good,” Ben pops crisps into his mouth. “Although you’re good and I’m _definitely_ interested in ya.”

A shade of pink flushes Callum’s cheek that makes him look alive and well. “Forever a charmer.”

“Can’t blame me, can ya? Not when you look the way ya do,” Ben’s eyes notice the swallow of Callum’s throat. “So fucking beautiful.”

“Ben, I _swear_. You and that mouth!” But Callum can’t help but laugh, his eyes sparkling again, the darkened parts gone from under them.

“I think ya should shut me up,” Ben turns on to his side on the sofa. “Can feel another F bomb coming.”

Ben smirks, and Callum covers it with a kiss. Tasting the salt and vinegar on Ben’s tongue when he opens his mouth.

Ben’s moan makes Callum lift him onto his lap, hands firm at the back of head and in one swift movement, he lowers his hands to pick Ben up and carry him to his bed.

Ben feels part of heaven.

*

“What’s this mean for us?” Ben asks in crumpled sheets, Callum laying on his belly, his wings gentle on Ben’s sweaty skin.

Callum bites his lip. “Not sure, not done this before.”

“Can’t say I’m an expert either, if I’m honest.”

Callum laughs down at him, his hair messy over his forehead. “We just take it one day at a time,” and Ben nods in agreement. “But ya know things aren’t gonna be, ya know? _Normal_.”

Ben pulls Callum on top of him, wrapping his arms around his neck. “Never wanted normal anyway,” Ben kisses Callum with determination to never let go.

Callum kisses him back with just as much, added with desperation and admiration.

Callum stays for as long as he can stay before he has to go. When he’s not physically there, Ben knows he’s not alone.

Work goes back to how it was when he first started it, he’s reminded why he started out in the first place and he’s pleased to say he didn’t give up, but he knows he owes Callum.

Ben knows he’s just a man with a candle to guide him.

His dreams become real, and Callum gets to live a life he missed out on before.

Ben hears _‘I love you’_ before sleep and again when he wakes up. Callum says it _all_ the time and Ben clings onto it and tells him it back through his actions and soft smiles.

_But more than anything, yeah, more than anything_

_My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to_

_Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small_

_You never need to carry more than you can hold_

_And while you're out there getting where you're getting to_

_I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too_

_Yeah, this, is my wish._

**Author's Note:**

> yes, it’s a reupload. thanks to ellie, luisa star, ni and jade for making me get over myself. 
> 
> love to u all x


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